♫ Jesus, Your Name is Power, Breath, and Living Water ♪

It is unbearably hot outside today, but I wanted to go outside anyways. Muggy heat is my least favorite kind of weather, but it is much better than being in a house facing the reality that is home, so I put up with it. I walked out there a while ago in a horrible funk, and talking to God. I was asking Him how to stop driving people away by being too honest or by sharing my heart with them. People don't really like that too much. No one ever told me that...oh well. Three people told me I needed professional help in the last twenty-four hours, and I believe them. Their stating it has made me feel completely worthless, however...like a broken toy. When you squeeze it, the voicebox can't quite get the doll's message across. My brain somehow can't quite connect with everyone else on the level that is considered "normal". It's kind of cute when you're five, but when you're a teenager going into college, it causes serious problems. No one ever told me that some people get angry when you ask them for help. It's a good thing I'm learning this now, eh? ;-) I told all of this to Him, and I know He has the answers, because He created me in the first place. He gave me the fundamental personality and put me in this environment for a reason, and I shouldn't resent that or be ill content. I was struggling today with feeling unloved, though. The sun just made me cranky, but God still does miracles. There is no doubt in my mind. Previously in my blog I posted a snippet about rain and what it means to me; to me, it is God's way of hugging you, and telling you He loves you. As I was walking in that awful heat, I felt the air grow cooler, but saw no change in light. IT'S RAINING! Right now, it is raining in that terrible sunshine! One million people telling me that God does not exist could never change my mind. Tell me that that is not an answer to prayer. He is amazing, and He loves me, even when I'm complaining. God loves me, and He has a plan for me. That is motivation enough to learn more about people and to learn whatever skills I need to understand, communicate with, and even help them. With God, nothing is impossible. Something funny I found is that no one really has the patience to sit down and think about or help someone who has a mental issue they need to work out unless they or someone close to them develops one. Why is that, I wonder? My mind can just picture people's thoughts when I say I'm going into Biblical Counseling. "Why would a girl who is messed up go into counseling? That's the last thing she should do." Perhaps...but maybe I want to help people like me? After all, no one else can seem to come up with an answer rather than a quick glance at their shoes when I ask them where I should turn for advice. :)

*~FUR~*
Proverbs 31:30
♫ ♪ ♥



p.s. I am not cutting out God from all of this, it's just easier to explain without going into a deep theological explanation of all of the controversial principles and standards surrounding this issue. ;)

What a Rush!

I wander into the living room and plop down onto the piano bench looking for some way to relieve the almost unbearable boredom that has been oppressing me all day. None of the songs seem to be the right mood for the day, but as I begin to tackle one of my Josh Groban books, the gray clouds slowly start to lift. The book sucks me in with its melodies until -*BOOM*-a crash of thunder rattles the house, breaking my concentration and casting a dissonant sound through the speakers of the keyboard. With a sigh, I rise from my cushioned seat and slowly open the door leading out of my muggy kitchen. A blast of cool misty air greets my warm face. It's beginning to rain. I step out onto the deck and feel the cool drops begin to play a game of tic-tac-toe on my outstretched arms. *BOOM* Another burst of thunder rips the sky, and the trees begin to dance wildly back and forth. In the trees' dance there comes a pause in which the rain comes down in torrents. I feel the water tickling my nose. The wind begins to toss the trees from side to side again, and it sends chills through me. What miracles God gives every day.

*~FUR~*

Proverbs 31:30

p.s. The storm was so much better than any water ride at Six Flags!! Wish you could have been there. ^_^

Teenagers...**eyeroll**

"Awww...look at little Katie. She's so cute in her new kindergarten outfit."
"Oh, I know! Isn't she adorable? Let's go talk to her!"///
"Oh, hey...it's the girl in the teen class who used to talk to us all the time after Sunday school."
"What's her name? Oh yes, Ronda. My, I feel sorry for the youth pastor."
"Yeah, I heard that she's quite a rough kid...likes to cause a scene."
**both shake head simultaneously**
///"Oh Kaaattiiiieeeee! **big smile** You look so pretty today!"
"You sure do! Would you like to help me play the big piano today or do you want some candy?"
"You're so sweet, Katie. Your parents must be so proud to have such a good little girl. You come and see us whenever you want, ok, honey?"///
 (As Ronda approaches and shakes the speakers' hands)
R: Good morning, ladies. God really made a wonderful sky today, didn't He? I hope you're doing well.
1: Hello.
2: Hi.
(As they walk away)
1: So Mrs. ^*^%, are you planning on coming to the play next weekend? I hear it's going to be a good one.
2: I'm not sure. You know I'd love to if I could. Oh look, Ronda's sitting next to that gothic-looking boy again.
1: **shakes head** You know, she used to be such a good little kid. I bet it's those friends of hers that brought her down.
2: You're probably right. What's becoming of young people these days?
1: I have no clue, but it's so sad to see them like this.      Teenagers...**shakes head**

Yes...obviously this is a made-up scenario...for the most part...but can you not see a problem with it? This has been an issue that has been making me <> angry for a very long time now. Little Katie is probably a sweet little girl whose biggest problem is sitting still during a lesson. She's adopted by all of the older ladies in the church, and when she grows up, she should have their support and love, right? Now look at Ronda. From the "story", we can deduce that she grew up there. She was probably one of the more rowdy kids, right? WRONG. She was an angel. She listened quietly to every message, and she always tried to talk respectfully to her elders, because that's what she was taught. She listened when someone told her to do something. So how did she become a "rebel"?

I'm sure that if you grew up in a southern church as I did, you would immediately relate to the picture of the older ladies talking to little Katie. As a child in that type of environment, everyone interacts with you, and everyone tries to teach you something. You are expected to sing Patch the Pirate songs and come to your adopted family when you have problems, and transgressions are easily forgiven. This was Ronda's childhood...but where was the change? Is it possible that it wasn't Ronda's attitude that changed with her age, but her "family's"?

Since I don't know everything, it would be foolish for me to present this idea as a solid fact, but I am not alone. The number of teens I have seen go through this experience is sadly growing higher and higher, and I seek to find an answer to it. Also, no one really reads my blog, so I can pretty much post anything within reason...^_^ The truth is that the world's image of what a teenager should be is so misshapen and ugly has crept into the minds of those same ladies (and gentlemen, for that matter) who dote on the little kids. Now it seems that when a child reaches a certain age, they are expected to be lazy, selfish, angry, rebellious creatures, and it is no wonder that's what more and more of them turn into. I don't understand. If you spend all of those years teaching a child how to live a Christian life, how to act, and how to respect and serve others, why would you change your expectations for them? True, Ronda is me, and I know I wasn't a complete angel, but the situation is still true.

I grew up in kid's church, Patch the Pirate Club, Girls' Club, and a Christian school, and I was expected to behave, to learn, and to think. My class graduated just this May, and I find that there are no more smiling faces waiting for me at church. Granted, I don't want the older women in my church coming up to me and pinching my cheeks. Since I am older, I can actually use my powers of thought and speech to have a decent conversation, but if I don't want to take part in gossip, spout an endless stream of small-talk and compliments, or listen to an entire room full of church ladies sit and complain about how many ailments they have and call it "sharing each others burdens", then I am a rude and insensitive child who does not deserve a second more of their time than the new teen who has a million body piercings and creeps them out. Now I do realize that hurts and pains are a part of life, and I will have them too some day. I'm not "downing" the idea of sharing burdens, but what happened to the cheery attitudes and helpful spirit I saw in the same ladies a few years ago? They made me want to be like them. They made me think that, with some hard work and reliance on God, I would be able to go through life alright, but that appearance seemed to have run away on my sixteenth birthday. Maybe it's because I just see more now? Now basically the only impression I get from them is that gossip is a part of life; it is ok to judge newcomers; complaining is now a community activity; and acting out against any tradition like these will just ostracize you more from their company.

I love those ladies...I really do! I have learned so much from them, but it has stopped! All trust between us has been crushed by their itching mouths and ears (pardon the weird phrasing there). I can no longer communicate with them, because I do not like being fake. Does that make any sense? When I talk to someone, I want to give them all of my attention, and listen to them. I'm not going to say, "Oh, that's so good!" or "Oh, I just loooove that!" if I really don't mean it. Words mean something! Some of my friends get irritated when I don't tell them I love them all the time. Those are special words. They don't need to be thrown around...even between friends! The more you say something, the less they mean. Have people forgotten that? What's with the fake smiles that turn into eyerolls when the back is turned? Why are they surprised when someone decides not to "serve"? Did you know that service is really not service unless it is voluntary? Forced love is not love at all. If someone can sing, and the church automatically expects them to join a choir, they are faced with disapproving looks and stern lectures about serving God if they do not. For goodness' sake, let the person join on their own! Why would you join a choir if you were doing it solely because you had to! That's like asking me to play piano forever while standing over my shoulder. It is forced...and it loses every aspect of "service". It is no longer from the heart. If you treat a child a certain way for long enough...they will most likely start acting like that. Anything they do in your eyes will be seen through that mindset, and there is no escape. No wonder there's so much anger...no wonder you hear all of those horrible stories of good little Christian kids who grew up with a giant adopted family to support them and then became horrible people. Goodness! It really is ridiculous.

I really need to go now, but I don't want to leave you with my frustration. I do realize that the best thing to do is be obedient no matter what, and remember that God has placed me where He has placed me for a reason. People will fail you, because no one is perfect, and the only constant is God. That is a great thing. That is something that causes joy. My intention in this was not to complain, but to rant and explain something important that will probably never be heard of outside of this page. Thanks for taking the time to read this. :) Have a wonderful day, and don't forget that SOMEONE is looking up to you!!!

*~FUR~*
Proverbs 31:30

Masks

Here's a nice story...

     A friend comes over to hang out after telling me to make them an ice cream sundae with melted peanut butter and Hershey's syrup like I usually do. They poke my sunburn repeatedly and threaten to stick their fingers in my cake batter. We go into the game room to goof off, and my favorite sick day movie (You've Got Mail) comes on, and I learn that this happens to be one of my friend's favourite movies as well. We laugh at and talk and sing with it, and I catch them staring at me as I stare at the end of the movie where Brinkley (the "hero's" dog) comes out, thus revealing the "heroine's" internet admirer's identity(...really...watch it! haha :) well...with a t.v. guardian, because there are a couple of words...:-\ ) . You may be wondering what is so strange about my friend enjoying this movie as much as I do, but you must understand that he is not typically seen as the "chick flick" type. After the movie ends, his reaction is one of "OOhhhh I want that so much! That guy is a genius! I want that relationship!", while mine is one of "My...I wish that were real. This is really depressing. I have many friends like that, but in real life, that would never happen to me. Do people write these things just to torture us?"

     If you know me at all, you know that one things that always gets me talking is mentioning the fact that everyone wears a mask. It is a great deal of fun to try to peel back these masks, but it is not always without a certain amount of risk. People do not like being seen. For some reason, people feel uncomfortable around someone who can look at them once and see beneath all of their misdirections. It is extremely irritating to talk to someone who cannot hold your gaze, but it is even more irritating to have someone lie to your face about what kind of person they are when you can do absolutely nothing about it except smile and nod. Run around without a "mask" on and you are regarded as either a rebel or an outcast.

     I promise this story relates somehow...doesn't it?...OH YEAH! I remember. ^_^ He then asked me about a certain girl, because he wanted my opinion on his dating her or not. She strikes me as just another "country Barbie" with a gorgeous appearance, a way with children, a love for water and sports, and a hyper and kind air about them that is always present in public. She is the kind of girl who will never say an offensive word in front of you and always has something to say, be it a comment about the weather or a compliment about your shoes. There is nothing wrong with this, but I find that the compliments stop after a certain period of time. If I see another shiny-haired, Kelly Clarkson idolizing, baby kissing, loud, spoiled teenage girlfriend...*breathe*...I think I may go insane. How can you have a unique personality if every "in style" Twilight-lover has the same personality as you? How can you not be shallow when you base your entire birthday party around "which hair-colour looks best on me?"???? Honestly! If you're going to date my friend, can you please show me what you have been learning in the Bible? Can you please tell me something you love about him besides his silly jokes or amazing smile? Can you please give me another answer to how you are going to help him grow and walk through life besides, "Oh, I will always be there to hug him and smile and distract him from the bad stuff."

     Now, I cannot really tell my friend all of that, can I? My simple answer of, "Oh...I do not really know her, but she seems nice." should probably do it, then...right? Maybe I feel this way because I am a girl. If that is true, then I would never really be able to explain all of this to him. Who knows? I am just a little girl who knows nothing. I wonder when the day will come that I can actually become more than a best friend who has to sit and watch the guy make mistake after mistake about girls. Are all young men in these times shallow and ignorant? Oh well...it's one in the morning, and I need to sleep. BYEZ! ♥

*~FUR~*

Proverbs 31:30